Last night as I tossed and turned, I began to think. If you had asked me ten years ago where I thought I would be when I was 27 years old I would have said a Clinical Psychologist, a Counselor, or maybe even working for a police department as a forensic profiler. Well, kids change your plans and right now, I am a stay at home mother. I think after almost four years of doing this, I am finally fully accepting that this is where I am in my life right now. I have felt torn for years, debating if I should work or stay home. I have never felt truly settled in staying home, until now. At times I feel like I took the easy way out; other times I feel like this is the hardest worst paying job I've ever had! But sometimes (most of the time) I just don't feel like a "good" mom. I feel like I could be better. I don't use dozens of coupons and save $124.08 each week on groceries, I don't make homemade play dough, I don't cook perfectly well balanced organic meals, I don't take my kids to story time every week, I yell, I designate "no talking" when Savannah's endless chatter drives me CRAZY... I make it through each day, sometimes hanging on by a thin strand of my sanity, and do it again the next day. And some days, that is good enough. But I want more.
I now feel like I am ready to fully embrace this whole mom thing. Yes, I know, it only took me four years, but better late than never, right? I am going to attempt a "better mommy project" for myself. I want to do all those "mommy" things, all the things I swore I would never do (well, I still won't wear mom jeans) and see if I can become a "better" mom. It's not just about all the things I do for my kids, but also about becoming more selfless, patient, kinder with my words, persevering, gentle, and loving. My life is no longer about me, and finally after four years, I get that.
So, Day # 1 of the better mommy project: Join Costco or Sam's (I figure I'll start with something easy). I hate having to go to multiple grocery stores for my groceries, but that is what I'm going to do if it means spending our money more wisely. Tyson jokingly says, " I make the money and you spend the money". But for the most part, it's true. However, I can help make money by saving where I can and I think this is a great way to start. My mother was/is the queen of bargain shopping and spending what she had with care. I clipped coupons growing up and went grocery shopping with my 2 younger sisters on triple coupon day! My mother was a brave woman!
Hopefully by the end of this year I will be able to look back and see some progress on my quest to become a better mommy. Savannah told me today, as if she knew I was doubting my mommy capabilities, "You're the best mommy!". And really, in the end, if that's what my kids think, then that's good enough for me.